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[11 Oct 2004|02:33pm] |
I'm debating on giving up this livejournal. Unless you are seriously interested in reading my updates.
Leave an 'I love you' in the comments if you want me to stick around for a little while longer. :)
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| Thinking About Getting A Job |
[10 Oct 2004|06:28am] |
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Well, I've been thinking about getting a job. Not the Britner's Produce job I have lost all interest in, but to get an actual job. I really want to work at Walden Books out at the mall. However, I believe you have to be 18 to do so. If that is the case, then I think I will try Target for my next choice.
I love this determination.
After this Halloween Hayride is over, I think it is time for me to get a REAL job.
Before I go...Stacy and Tricia ROCK for riding the hayride last night!!! I wish I could've seen you guys!
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| The Haunted Hayride |
[09 Oct 2004|08:39am] |
Opening night was pretty successful. It was so fun. At around 5:30, my sister and Lauran took me out to get a costume. It is so much better than the one I have used for the last two years of the hayride. When I got home, I got dressed into my costume and put on my white makeup. The makeup didn't show up all that well (probably because I am already as white as one can get :-P ). At 6:30, Jack came by my house, then he drove me up to Britner's. He and I went ahead and walked back in the woods. I showed him what I had planned out for my scene. Then, while we waited for the first ride to come around, we just walked around the woods. When the first ride was on it's way back, I began to get really nervous. I thought that I would trip and fall on something while I did my scene. Or I was just going to chicken out and not do it at all. However, when the ride reached my scene, I jumped out and gave it my all. I was glad that it was filled with a bunch of little kids because my confidence was highered when they all screamed really loud. I got screams on every ride actually.
After a while, I got a little light-headed because my scene requires me to do a lot of screaming. So after I performed it, I would lay down for a couple of minutes so I would be good enough to do the next ride. When the night was over, my throat was pretty sore. So it made me feel like I gave 110%. Jack dropped me off at home and I hung out around the house for about a half an hour. Then I passed out into bed not waking up till 11:30 this morning.
Tonight is night two of the hayride. It shall be grand now that everyone knows what they are doing. So maybe those who can, should show up and make fun of me :) .
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| Just a little happier |
[08 Oct 2004|02:05pm] |
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Egads! The hayride is tonight. I am just a tad bit nervous. Anyway...
These two days have been fantastic. Kind of sorry about the last two entries. The one about me crying, I am just not even going to get into it. The custom friends entry, that was pretty self explainatory. But I am happy about it now because I got to do what I've wanted to for so long. You'll see what it is as you read the entry.
Well, yesterday, Lauren asked if I wanted to go dress shopping with her. So I did that. But instead of Lauren getting a dress, she treated me to some Subway food since she now is employed there. After the mall trip, I went back to her house for a couple of hours. I came home around nine and nothing really happened after that except for going to sleep.
Today was a half day at school. It went pretty well. After school, I asked Brady if he could take me home. Steve came with us and instead of myself getting dropped off at home, Brady, Steve, and I went back Brady's house. After being there for a little while, Brady's mom drove us out to Tony's Pizza to eat there. Laura Laverenchick (sp?) joined us with her nephew, Tyler, who is a cool three year old. After eating, we went out to the Sprint Store and then back to Brady's. At Brady's, Steve and Brady played their guitars. While they did that, I went next door and talked to Austin. Then he came over to Brady's as well. Later, Steve, Austin, and I went through the corn maze. Of course, like always, I am left behind to find everyone else. Then after that, all of us piled in Brady's Geo and he dropped us all off.
Now I am just awaiting for the Hayride to begin. I've got Jack keeping me company tonight. He is a cool dude. And he is bringing tons of food. :)
I am going to take lots of pictures of my adventures back there like I do every year, so I'll try to get some up soon. But right now, I am going ahead and going to get my costume. Au revior!
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| A Fantastic Day |
[04 Oct 2004|06:32pm] |
I had a wonderful day today. Fantastic!
Mom and I went shopping yesterday. I got to get wonderful FITTING clothes. Then we went grocery shopping, where we got delicious healthy food. Tons of yogurt! Yummy stuff! I did throw up, but you know what, it didn't bother me. I don't know if that's good or not. So anyway, I thought I would wake up feeling great. I didn't. But yay, I didn't throw up this morning. I got dressed, did the hair and makeup. I had actually made an effort to look good today. When I got to school, guess what the first comment I got on my looks was?
Anorexic.
I wish people would actually think about what they say. Or just not say anything at all. Some people don't know my situation. Other comments today were good though. So I managed to put that off to the side for a little bit. Let me continue with my fantastic day. French was as great as usual. Alisa and I were partners for our oral and we did wonderful. My French boy stalker tried to get his way into Alisa and I's group, but I was mean and said no. I had my reasons though. In Orchestra, I got to audition for All-County and I successfully made it. Now I am just awaiting for the seating auditions on the 23. Which of course will probably will make me more nervous than I was today for that audition. At lunch, I got to eat my wonderful meal. Although, I did forget to make my sandwich. I did eat some yogurt, applesauce, and I drank some Minute Maid Lemonade. It may not sound like much, but it is definitely better than eating nothing. Next was English. Of course, there isn't much to say about that class. Then there was History. I enjoyed it for no apparent reason. After school, Heather drove me home. I try to avoid riding the bus as much as possible. When I got home, I ate that peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was scrumptious.
I've just been chilling out since then. Since Ashley was home as well, we reflected on our old cassette tapes. Good laughs. More tears. Now I am awaiting for dinner. I actually have an appitite for it. So yay! Maybe I'll go for a drive to. Sounds like something to do. So I will be off now. Goodbye!
( This is what happens when one gets bored )
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| A Clean Room |
[03 Oct 2004|12:20pm] |
So yesterday, I cleaned my room.
My mom helped me out with it, which was great. If she hadn't helped, my room would still be in the state it was in that picture I took a little while back.
Anyway, while I was cleaning, I found several cassette tapes that belonged to my sister and I years ago. After cleaning my room, I stuck a tape into my stereo. The first thing you heard was my cousin Lauran talking in a very gruff voice saying "...and tonight on WWF!" In the background you could hear music from the "Titanic" soundtrack and my sister and I laughing hysterically. For a couple of hours, I lay listening to these tapes, lauhing so hard, I was crying. These tapes are at least 6 or 7 years old. There were a couple of things that I had to keep rewinding because I just thought they were so funny. We had these made up songs, radio talk shows, and commercials. I loved listening to them again. I still have a couple to listen to yet, which I plan on doing later. That had definitely made my day yesterday though.
And now I have this wonderfully clean room to enjoy, which I feel like going to right now. But before I do...
( Click my friends... )
The end.
...Before I forget, to everyone who wanted me to go to Homecoming with Dave, I decided to do so. I just need to see if he still is interested in going. :)
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| More Stomach Complaints |
[02 Oct 2004|12:07pm] |
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Last night I broke down crying to my mother. I kept telling her that I wanted it to stop and that I couldn't take being sick anymore. Then, the way she looked at me, I could tell she didn't like to continue seeing me upset like this due to being sick all the time. She said "I don't like seeing you sick anymore either, but there is nothing we can do right now till we go back to the doctor's". That appointment is on the 14th. So I am desperately waiting.
I went to sleep last night on a nasty feeling stomach, so when I woke up, it was the first thing to greet me. In my mind I just thought, "If I continue to lay in bed, my stomach isn't going to get any better". So I got up and ended up throwing up. Oddly enough, I started feeling better afterwards. I went back upstairs and went back to sleep. I slept till 11:30, which I haven't done for a little while. I checked myself on the scale when I woke up. I weigh 123.5. Ugh! Before I wished that I would not have to go down farther than 125. Now I am just hoping it doesn't drop below 120.
Anyway, I'd rather not upset myself with my decreasing weight and talk about other things that are going on. Things I am sure you'd rather here about. Maybe not. Umm...today I think I am going to master my bedroom. I'm sure you remember that horrible picture. My mom said she'd help me out. If she didn't, I don't think I would try to clean it. So I assume that will take a good amount of the day to get done. I have nothing better to do anyway. Tomorrow, I am trying to get Lauren, Steve, and possibly Alisa and maybe Jonas back in the woods to do some hayride practice. As far as I know, Lauren and Steve can probably show up. That shall be fun. My mom and I are also going to go shopping tomorrow. Maybe a mixture of Halloween costume shopping and actual clothes shopping since all my clothes are getting too big too quickly.
And that's the end of this entry.
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| The Threat |
[30 Sep 2004|07:16pm] |
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Anonymous threats to kill half the school...
Doesn't that make one feel safe. A janitor found this message that said something like "Before October 11th, half the school is going to die." The next day, somebody found bullets in a locker. At first, a lot of people assumed it was a rumor. In Orchestra, a couple of us asked Mr. Medcalf if he knew anything. He just looked at us very strangely and said "How on earth did you guys find out about that?" Apparently none of the students were supposed to know about it. At lunch, we asked Mr. Michaels to come over so we could ask him about the threat. He said that he was aware of the rumors, but none of the stuff that was claimed to be found, was. I was still worried about it, so were others. But the day went on. At the end of the school day, all the students recieved letters to take home. Apparently, the rumors were true about the threat and the bullets.
Isn't this just fun? It really makes me look at my friends a lot more. Makes me think of things like "If there is kids killed, could it be this friend or that friend? Could one of them be me?" And like Lauren said, "Is there anyone who I have done anything bad to?" Like if that kid had a personal grudge against you, would they come after you? Maybe I am thinking about this way too much.
Ugh, I wish I didn't have to worry about this.
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| Here We Go With A REAL Entry |
[29 Sep 2004|06:27pm] |
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So here is to an actual entry...
Today was a pretty good day. Of course, that is compared to the days I've had here recently. But I am not going to dwell on that.
Let me actually start with yesterday. I am an official member of the French Club. I don't know if that makes me geeky or what. However, I really enjoy French. Madame Moore is one of my favorite teachers this year. So after school yesterday, I went to my first French Club meeting. I was a little late due to a situation that occured, however, I was able to attend the last 15 minutes of it. When I walked in, they had been talking about possibley taking a trip to see "Les Miserables" in Pittsburg. I forget when. Madame Moore said it may be a good idea since the play is a French play. She was just going to see if Miss. Ridenour and the show choir would like to come with us.
When I came home, I was by myself for a few hours. So I watched this movie my mom bought called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Some who live around here probably never heard of it, however, my mom and I have been wanting to see it for quite some time now. It has Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Kirsten Dunst, Elijah Wood, and others that were unknown. I thought it was a cute movie. I'm going to watch it with my mom tonight. That's about all that happened in my evening.
Today at school, it was a good day. In French, we got our quizes back and I have yet another 100% to add to my stack (as well as these cute stickers that we get along with the quizes). In Orchestra, we didn't play. Mr. Medcalf just really went into a talk about what to expect at All County this year. Auditions are still a couple of weeks away, but it will come quicker than expected probably. English. Bleh. I actually did my vocab for once, but I didn't do so well on it (we had 122 freaking questions to answer!). After English, I was a bit nervous to go to History today because of the situation that happened with Mr. Stouffer and I. But he left me alone so it was all good. After History, Jack, Sarah Shrader, and I decided to stay after for a session of practicing for All County with Mr. Medcalf. Sarah and Jack did their own practicing and Mr. Medcalf mainly helped me. My music is extremely hard, but the practice session with him went quite nicely. We practiced for an hour, then Jack took me home.
So, it may seem like an average day to you. However, it was definitely a lot less stressful than previous days. Phew.
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| An Entry For Stacy |
[28 Sep 2004|04:43pm] |
I really love my Stacy!
You have been so nice and I am really glad that I have someone who can understand what is going on with me right now. I REALLY appreciate the help you are giving me. That means so much to me. Now that I know what's going on, I realize that this has been going on for a while and it's almost a relief to know.
But anyway, I really must thank you, Stacy! You're a great friend and everything you have done is definitely one of the first things on my mind!
( And so it ends )
Oh and Mr. Stouffer can kiss my ass. I gave him a chance rather than listen to what other people said about him being an asshole. Yet, when he takes me out into the hallway to yell at me for something I have not been able to control, I feel that he has no understanding towards others at all. And that's all I have to say about that.
The end.
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| Changing? |
[27 Sep 2004|09:24pm] |
I hate doing multiple updates daily. However, there are always times where I feel that there is something new for me to say. Like this:
I guess the only logical explaination is that I am afraid of change. What do you think?
This you is implied towards one person. So to everyone else, please don't kill me because of these really confusing notes I've been leaving in here lately.
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| Fuck The Fairytale |
[27 Sep 2004|04:24pm] |
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What is with these horrible dreams I've been having? They aren't even horrible. They are so perfect and show everything I want right now being mine. When I wake up, reality hits and I can't have what I did in those dreams.
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| I'm at the point of exploding |
[26 Sep 2004|02:42pm] |
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Mom: Why didn't you eat at the Speghetti Dinner?
Me: I did!
Mom: Granny said that you didn't eat anything.
Me: She is exaggerating then. I ate the salad, I ate some of the speghetti. It's not like I didn't eat anything at all! I can't help that I just can't eat a lot of it!
Mom: Well, that's why your father came up here today and asked you if you ate anything this morning. Granny was talking to him about it and was "concerned".
Me: Just because I didn't eat as much as I usually do around her automatically assumes that I didn't eat?! She's going around the entire family and making me seem like I am anorexic! I don't like it!
I have been upset all morning. And not just because of what I wrote above. At around 8:00am, my sister wakes me up. She was like "Remember that time you said you owed me for taking you to Lauren's that one night". I remembered and I was like "Yeah, I worked your shift at the store the next day for you". My sister paused for a moment. Then she said, "Well, would you like to work with me at a yard sale today?" I said no because I had to work on my critical analysis for English. My sister continued, "All you have to do is work till twelve". I felt bad in saying no again, but I just wasn't up for it. I was extremely tired from staying up late last night. She got really pissed off, left my room, and slammed the door. That's when I tried to go back to sleep. Ten minutes later, my dad walks right into my room. He was like "Lindsey, you're working today". I said I wasn't because I made him aware that I only worked when he told me the day or two before I had to work. He began to yell at me for saying no, so I just began to scream at him, telling him to leave me alone, that I didn't feel good, and that I wanted to sleep. Yet, I couldn't get back to sleep. My stomach began to hurt really bad so I had to go downstairs and throw up. After throwing up, I went back upstairs and lay in bed till 10:30, not getting a couple extra minutes of sleep. When I came back downstairs, I started crying to my mom about not being able to sleep this morning and how Ashley and my dad were both pissed at me. I went back online, and then talked to Lauren.
I went and told her everything that was bothering me lately. You know, with those secretive notes in my entries. I had to get it all out. Then, I called her on the phone. She and I talked for about an hour. Sometimes, I would be almost in tears, but tried to hold back just so Lauren wouldn't have to deal with hearing me cry. I talked to Stacy online a little later. I had sent her an email explaining everything that has just been going on like I had with Lauren. I'm really glad they both listened to me. It was such a relief to get all of that out. Although the thoughts are still in me and bothering.
I hope to get out and do something today. I can't really talk to much of my friend's today because a lot of them went to this place near Baltimore for show choir. I'm trying to convince my mom to go shopping with me. It would be nice to get all this stuff off my mind. Especially now that I am done with my critical analysis. So I guess we'll see what happens.
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| Needs Some Courage |
[25 Sep 2004|10:12pm] |
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I wish I could tell you everything that has been going on in my head. If you'd just ask, I'd feel better in explaining it all. But I just can't bring it up myself. I feel that if I did, I would just ruin something. When really, it would ruin nothing. I am just scared of something so unpredictable happening. However, all of these thoughts are just crushing me day by day. I don't know if I should accept the unpredictable and end this misery or just keep this building up inside of me till it causes a huge problem.
I don't want to discuss this online. It almost feels like I am coming off with the wrong impression if I did. I need to get some courage in me and actually talk face to face with people. Yet, that just scares me even more.
I hope you come to me about this. It would make this all so easy.
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| My Night |
[25 Sep 2004|10:58am] |
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Last night was pretty exciting. Lauren came over to my house around 7:30, then my mom drove us to Brady's house. Hank was there as well. So the four of us went back in the woods. It was supposed to be the night we prepared for our skits for the hayride and since Brady and Hank aren't in the hayride and Steve, Alisa, and Jonas hadn't been there, we just hung out back there. As we walked back, Hank and Brady tried to freak Lauren out. In which they did several times. When we finally arrived at the hayride spot, my dad jumped out of some corn and screamed at us. I knew he was back there and would do something like that, so I didn't get scared. However, everybody else did. It was pretty funny. Anyway, we went around the hayride area once, then started heading back. Before we went back to Brady's, we decided to go through the corn maze. Hank and Brady tried seperating from Lauren and I, so they could jump out and scare us. But since I knew the maze better than them, Lauren and I got out of the maze before they could. We went into the maze again only this time playing some flashlight tag. Lauren and Brady were on a team. Hank and I were on a team. We won. There was no doubt about it. Anyway, the game ended when Lauren had to pee, so we went back to Brady's.
There we just watched some television. Then Dave Townsley stopped by. We sat and talked for the time while watching some "Spongebob Squarepants". At 9:30, my mom picked Lauren and I up. She took Lauren home and when I got home, I went to sleep. I was really tired and my stomach began to act up. I slept in till 10:30 this morning. I came down the steps and my mom was sitting in the living room like she had been waiting for me. She was like "Good morning, Ms. Lindsey Lou! How do you feel this morning?" I just kind of shrugged my shoulders because my stomach did hurt, but not to the point of throwing up.
Well my plans for the day go as simple as this: Sophisticat's Spaghetti Dinner at 4:30 with my grandmother and Austin. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not exactly sure if I will be able to eat. We'll see I guess. But that is all I about have planned. I'll update later, of course.
( What has really been going on in my mind lately )
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| Sweet Misery |
[23 Sep 2004|06:28pm] |
Why do I feel that I shouldn't let these thoughts fade? That drowning in the misery of my own dreams is so much better?
I feel euphoric in these thoughts and it is addictive. However, with this happiness, it brings misery.
These dreams...they aren't coming true.
( In other news... )
I'm rambling.
So I'll just stop.
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| Yet Another Sick Day |
[22 Sep 2004|05:46pm] |
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So I was obviously upset about being sick yesterday. I am just really fed up that I have gone through with this for nine months now. I went to bed around eleven last night. At least I tried to. In all, I probably got only 4 hours of sleep because I was having some pretty nasty cramps. When I woke up, again, I suffered through some massive stomach pains mixed in there with cramps. I tried so hard to hold back in throwing up, but it only made me feel worse. So in the end, I just threw up. When I got to school, I was a mess. In French class, Madame Moore recommended that I go to the nurse's office. So I did. I explained to the nurse what had been going on. She let me lay down for the remainder of mod one, then I continued to Orchestra. Through out Orchestra, I kept looking at myself in the mirror that sat across the room from me. My face was so pale. I was feeling chills as well and I couldn't stop shaking. However, I managed to sit through the entire mod. After Orchestra was lunch. That's when I decided to go back to the nurse so I could go home. The nurse called my house, but with my luck, no one answered. So I went back to lunch almost in tears because I didn't want to be there. Levi tried cheering me up by talking about my orgasmic love for Minute Maid Lemonade. After lunch, I went back to the nurse. She finally got ahold of my mom. Now the problem was getting someone to pick me up. My mom had to leave the house and go somewhere. My sister and my dad were working. In the end, the nurse had to call my dad. At first, I wasn't too happy about that. I thought my dad was seriously going to be pissed that I was coming home. However, the nurse did check and saw that I had a fever and all. So there was no possible way that I was faking being sick.
My dad came into school in about 20 minutes. He was dressed in his dirty work clothes and these huge boots. It was kind of embarrassing, but oh well, I was glad to be going home. My dad went to sign me out and he had this huge smile on his face. He was like "What time are the kids going to be changing to go to their next class?" I disappointed him when I said about 20 minutes. He said he wanted to talk to the kids and everything. A lot of the kids from my school love my dad for some reason. Anyway, we passed Mr. Stouffer's classroom and my dad could hear him talking really loud. My dad got all excited since he had Mr. Stouffer as a teacher when he went to Williamsport High. It was funny. He was so excited about being back in school. Anywya, He dropped me off at home and didn't ask questions about me being sick. When I came home, I just lay on the couch and slept until my mom got home. When she did, she made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I felt really full after that even though that had been the only thing I had ate all day. Now she is cooking dinner for the rest of the family. After that, she and I are going to watch "Mean Girls". She had bought the movie for me yesterday. So I am happy about that.
Then, I guess I am off.
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| I Want This To End |
[21 Sep 2004|08:08pm] |
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I am scared.
Yet more of my weight has been lost in just a few short days. I don't want to lose my weight anymore. I'm going to turn into nothing. I'm afriad I am just going to continue to be sick and I don't want to be anymore. But it's not going to happen that way. The doctor doesn't know what's wrong, my mom can't do the miracles mom's can do when your sick, and this fucking medication isn't helping. I never can sleep anymore. I am always exhausted. I always feel weak. I can't eat dinner or breakfast because I am always feeling shitty at those times. I can't just get up in the morning, feel wonderful and rested and go without gagging or throwing up.
What if I hadn't gone ice skating that one night (link is friend's only). This is when this all started. I went with Alisa and Keely. All I thought at the time was that I drank to much Amp. I came home. Talked online and then started feeling sick around midnight. I puked all through Sunday. I did go to school on Monday, yet I was still a mess. It went on from there.
Somebody has to know what is going on with me. I don't want to be like this anymore.
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